• I hit a duck with my car.
• I did not notice a duck when I left my car.
• Somebody else did notice, tried to claim it for themselves, and when they couldn't, they left a note.
• A third party (whether human or not) also noticed the duck, and was able to successfully remove it.

• How come there are no second-person shooter games?
• Seen tacked to a wall: NO FOOD XOR DRINK
• This year's 119-team playoff

• Of the 10 times the Tigers have been in the series, there have been 429,286 possible combinations of opponents.
• For a team to be an opponent exactly three of those ten times, the odds are actually not that bad at all (48.6%).
• For a team to be an opponent exactly four of those ten times, still pretty good (25.1%)
• The real oddity would be to have had ten distinct opponents. Would have been very tricky in the first seven series, when they were only eight possible opponents. The odds (0.05%) are pretty amazing.

• I started taking improv classes in May. The club lost their lease last week.
• A restaurant where I pretty much have eaten weekly at for four years lost their lease last week.
• The gas station I go to most often doesn't seem to have pumps anymore.

2000: 79
2004: 72
2005: 71
2006: 67
2001: 66
2002: 55
2003: 43

From: Orbitz Fare Tracker
To: Jack Bauer <manpurse@gmail.com>
Subject: Chinese Southern Airlines is having a sale!

• He claims (or ABA-commandant-for-life Joe Newman claims) that he is the son of Mickey Rooney. So, if you go to Google and type '"Mickey Rooney" "Bill Corona"', you get a Googlewhack. The press release above.
• He claims he was with the the original Archies. Again, no proof of that claim.
• He has a web site. Check out the timeline, one of the greatest pieces of unintentional comedy ever. He has managed to create an entertainment portfolio where there is none.
• If he has been working in the business since the sixties, you think he would have a credit listed in allmusic (nope), allmovie (nothing), IMDB (strike out). Even I have a credit, although it's there mostly as a copyright trap.
• This doesn't even point out the most glaring thing: how does any of this qualify him for a career in sports marketing?

• 1970s: Appeared on CBS' In The News in 1979, as well as several well received performances of Do You Hear What I Hear? with the Memorial Elementary School Music Society.
• 1980s: Performed in front of crowds exceeding 100,000 dozens of times, with performances still playing on ESPN Classic. Released my first single ("Paul Harvey Rap") to at least three people living in my hallway.
• 1990s: Held popular lecture series at Colorado State University from 1991-1993, never failing to have less than 30 in attendance for any of my 300+ readings. Developed time sharing agreement with the University of Michigan Department of Athletics.
• 2000s: Forged strategic alliances with several television executives. Performed at a Super Bowl party.

From: Chloe O'Brian <cobrian@la.ctu.gov>
To: Acme Stun Gun Product Feedback <feedback@acmestungun.com>
Subject: The XJ-19

I was disappointed when my employer issued as the XJ-19 for our uses.  I had heard
bad things about its ability to deliver a long-term incapacitating charge plus the
batteries tended to wear rather quickly.  However, I recently had a chance to use
the weapon in a real-life situation and I have to say I'm amazed!  I was able to
knock somebody out for 25 minutes, well beyond the 10 minutes I've seen in your
TV ads.  Bravo to you Acme for such a fine product!

--Chloe O'Brian

OnStar:  Hello, this is Terri from OnStar, how may I help you?
Customer:  My name is James Heller.  I'm about to drive my car in to the
           Pacific Ocean.
OnStar:  OK, sir.  It's your car and your life.  You can do whatever
         you want.  How may we help?
Customer:  How much of an air pocket will I have.  It looks like I want
           to survive after all.
OnStar:  I don't understand?  <sound of pages of a manual shuffling>
Customer:  You see, I needed to be written off because I was going to be
           in a series on ABC.  However, it looks like it's not going to be
           picked up for 2006-07, so I need to get a job.  The 25th Admendment
           can be my friend.
OnStar:  OK sir, I found it.  Before the car submerges, try to get out
         through the window.  If the window is already underwater, you'll have
         to wait for the interior to fill with water so the pressure between
         your car and and the Pacific are equal.  You will need to hold your
         breath for a little bit, but once the car is full, break the window
         and swim back up to shore.
Customer: Thanks.  Doing that now.  Oh %$^!.  I left my keys back in the
          car?  Can you open my house for me when I get back to D.C.?
OnStar: Sorry sir, we only do cars.  I see you're a government employee.
        I can hook you up with a C. O'Brian.  Apparently, she has a database
        of everybody's keys.  I'm transferring you now...
Customer: Thanks.

• It is harder than it seems to concentrate on an entire baseball game. Every pitch could mean "something", but 80% of the time it doesn't. If you're ever scoring at a baseball game you paid to go to, you will always miss a play or two. Sort of can't do that here.
• I'm third cousins with the pinch-runner.
• Being ready for a play rather than waiting for a replay. For example, the first time a double was hit, the official scorer immediately said "8" as soon as the centerfielder touched the ball. He was anticipating that there was a chance of an assist, something I had never thought of before. He's been doing this since the late 70s and his arrays of colored pens and systems would make Craig blush.
• Statkeeping is starting to get out of hand. Notice on the boxscore we had to have the cumulative numbers for sac flies and wild pitches. It isn't that important, people.

From: Karen Hayes <khayes@la.dhs.gov>
To: All LA Staff
Subject: Keycards

All DHS plus Holdover CTU Staff:

It has come to my attention that yet another keycard has been lost.  When this happened earlier
in the day, it caused the early retirements of many of the holdover CTU staff and forced DHS
to be merged.  We cannot have this happen again!  Not only because of the potential security
holes and loss of life, these cards cost $22.  Each.

Therefore, I am instituting a new policy:

1. Each employee will be allowed one lost card.
2. On your second lost card, you will be evaluated by our medical staff.  Note that over the 
   past 24 hours, our medical staff has had trouble keeping people alive.
3. On your third lost card, Jack Bauer will dermally attach the card to the extermity of your
   choice so you will never lose the card again.

Also, Miles' mom brought in brownies.  They're on the gurney Agent Almieda was recently on 
next to Torture Room #4.


--Karen

From: Chloe O'Brian <cobrian@la.ctu.gov>
To: Miles Papizan <mpapizan@la.dhs.gov>
Subject: Promised Report

Miles:

As promised, here is my report.  It was a #2.  The quesadillas from the Meet the Staff party were 
"muy picante".

--Chloe

• Thanks to Greg for the accomodations and to Kirsty for the cookies. Greg has an appreciation for the non-computer game at an even higher level than I, I got to play this (and lost), this (and lost) and a third game that I'm keeping a secret (and lost as well). Greg also learned that there are other schools besides Michigan whose hockey teams adhere to a tight playlist.
• When you drive up I-94 to Milwaukee, you see a sign and a compound for "Lawsonomy University". At first you think it's some hideout for the Natural Law Party, but it's actually a foundation for a guy who had lived in three countries by the age of two, had a two-team cup of coffee in the 1890's Players League, built the first commercial airliner and then got a god complex.
• It is not a good idea to name your print shop "Miss Print".
• There needs to be more than just three locations.
• Jaws 3 is not any better in Spanish.

As you may know, the U.S. 10 dollar bill went under yet another makeover to make it more counterfeit proof. However, when I got a $10 in change the other day, it was not the new $10. It was not the $10 from before the first counterfeit makeover. It was a $10 that marks the first note issued after the U.S. left the gold standard. I have found out that this bill could have been printed from anytime from 1934 until 1945, since Treasury Secretary Henry Morgenthau, Jr. and Treasurer W.A. Julian really liked their jobs, the latter only leaving when he died in a car crash in 1949. This marks the oldest bill I've ever received in change. I have received an 1883 dime and a 1907 nickel. Thank you for allowing my inner 11-year-old coin collecting geek to come through for a moment.

Secretary of State Cordell Hull has an amusing anectode on how the United States left the gold standard.

From: Karen Hayes <khayes@la.dhs.gov>
To: Marie Sanchez <maries01@la.manpower.com>
Subject: Request for Staff

Dear Ms. Sanchez:

I recently became the manager of a governmental agency that had a recent unexpected downsizing 
in force.  Even though I realize it's 10 PM at night, I need replacements very quickly.  I am
looking for experienced staff in the following areas:

**Database administration
**Cryptological analysis
**Torture Specalist I and Torture Specalist II
**Medics

Also, if they could all arrive at once and come into the building like the models on Deal or No
Deal so they would look intimidating to the remaining staff, that would be great.


Thanks in advance,

Karen Hayes
Department of Homeland Security, Los Angeles

• AL: Seeing signs for "arcades" everywhere, realizing later that arcades were a euphemism for penny slots.
• AR: Seeing a severe weather map on a TV screen, and realizing that if you are in a state you are unfamiliar with and a whole bunch of square counties, the map is meaningless.
• AZ: The weatherman didn't change his voice when he said "It will be 104 today". I don't want to live in a place where that seems normal.
• CA: I got the foul ball.
• CO: My car was keyed my first night there. Then it went all downhill.
• CT: I saw the King and His Court.
• DE: The less said the better.
• DC: I broke a rule at Watergate (feeding the pigeons).
• FL: Not many people get heat stroke in December. I have.
• GA: Handball is one of the neatest sports to see in person. Volleyball is one of the most boringest sports to see in person.
• ID: The Super 8 I stayed was the chainwide bed making champion.
• IL: Restaurants sometimes move and they don't tell you.
• IN: Restaurants sometimes go out of business and they don't tell you.
• IA: Seeing just the top of a baseball backstop during the '93 flood.
• KS: They aren't kidding about the Sunflower State thing.
• KY: The first KFC was actually just the restaurant inside the Colonel's motel.
• LA: Listening to a televangelist on the radio whose first name was Darwin.
• ME: I could have made it to Kennebunkport.
• MD: There's a Shell station next to the armory.
• MA: Got to see a helicopter land on the freeway.
• MI: The West side is a whole 'nother world from where you come from.
• MN: Disappointing the attendant at the SPAM museum when I mentioned I had a SPAM free body.
• MO: Princess Di died here. OK, it's where I found out.
• MS: All I did was eat Mexican.
• MT: Ditto.
• NE: Seeing the sun rise on one side of the state, set on the other side, and I still haven’t left the state (1st day of winter, 1993, moving back from CO to MI).
• NV: Nearly getting my mother kicked out of Circus Circus.
• NH: No matter how small the stakes, people will still cheat.
• NJ: Nearly coming to blows with a gas station attendant until I realized that there is no self-serve in New Jersey.
• NM: First rule when in the desert -- name your horse.
• NY: Accidentally getting to see the WTC due to a missed subway stop.
• NC: All I did was went the bathroom.
• ND: The Ponderosa Steakhouse is well armed.
• OH: My two favorite Michigan sports memories have both taken place here.
• OK: I didn't realize I was in the state. There was no sign.
• OR: The Eugene Public Library had all of its signs in English and Spanish, even though they have one of the smallest Spanish speaking populations in the U.S.
• PA: Listening to people buy coupons on the radio is oddly fascinating.
• RI: They have Mr. Potato Head. In statue form.
• SC: Word up, Sam Wyche.
• SD: I learned what Sturgis was, the hard way.
• TN: Some parts of cities are really, really bad.
• TX: Exit 810?!?
• UT: I saw two people betting $20 and later double-or-nothing on coin flips.
• VA: My last day of employment at VRI was actually spent here.
• VT: No billboards. Lots of trees.
• WA: Godfather's pizza apparently sleeps with the fishes now.
• WV: Motorcycles for halftime. For no apparent reason.
• WI: Cake = Ned Yost + jazz
• WY: Everybody knows it's windy.
  
• ON: Disappointment when the picture of Jeanne Sauvé wasn't cubist.
• PQ: Being panhandled in French.
• Tamaulipas, Mexico: Apparently I was nearly hit by a train. I was 5, I don't remember it.

From: Bill Buchanan <bbuchana@la.ctu.gov>
To: All LA Staff
Subject: Change in Training for this Week

This week's all-staff Brown Bag Lunch topic -- "Coping with the Sudden Loss of a Coworker" -- 
has been postponed.  The new topic is "What Is Sexual Harrassment in the Workplace?".  
This will be held in the staff lunch room next to Interrogation #4.

Also, a Cubs coffee mug was left in the medical unit.  If it is not claimed by the end of the 
day, it will be thrown out.


--Bill

• Tournament organizers arranged with local elementary schools to be cheering sections for individual provinces. So these kids come in on buses, go to the upper deck, cheer really loudly for about one end and sort of peter out. By the fifth end, they leave.
• However, the kids would perk up when Little Softie came by -- a mascot for personal paper products. I have no idea what it is supposed to represent, but since it is large and fuzzy, kids love it. I couldn't really find a picture of it other than the top of this page.
• I really wish I had a camera when Little Softie was wearing a blue wig and waving a Quebec flag. Nothing like having a corporate mascot go nuts for sovereignty. Apparently the three Quebec supporters were all boyfriends of the Quebec team, and got a major staredown from the players when they werent cheering hard enough.
• The timeout has got to go. It's bad enough when a team has 10+ minutes on the clock in the final end, they can now also milk that for even more with timeouts. When there is only one game going on, it's venturing into baseball territory for the boredom aspect.
• They had an outdoor curling sheet outside the arena if you wanted to give it a try. I would have, except it seemed smaller than regulation and I really didn't want to be gripping metal without gloves when it's below zero celsius.
• It's pretty sad when the retired number banners for the Junior A hockey team have sponsors. However, four of the five are playing or have played for the Detroit Red Wings at one point in their career.
• 98% of the clothing merchandise available was not XL. It limited my choices to two.
• On the way home, I stopped in Chatham to eat. The Swiss Chalet was full of 13-to-15 year old girls in hockey jerseys for Catholic high schools, and I would say at least half of them speaking French. However, I could not find any listings for any tournament in Chatham, so this must be a normal occurence, which means I really have to consider moving to Chatham.

• Since 1901, there have been 2,098 team-seasons in major league baseball. A team has started 35-5 or better once.
• Since 1951, there have been 977 team-seasons in the NBA (including this season). A team has started 35-5 or better six times: three 37-3 starts and three 35-5 starts.