Dirty South 2004 -- a Mike Burger Road Trip

Dirty South 2004 -- a Mike Burger Road Trip

Sunday, 18 April 2004

States: Tennessee, North Carolina, Georgia
Miles: 222

The purpose of this trip was to finish off the Continental United States. No matter how cheap it would be. After an excellent tournament up in Chattanooga, I drove into North Carolina on a winding two-lane road. I've never seen a water area overrun with canoers and other water enthusiasts until that point, so it was interesting to see people trying to get away from it all by going into a crowded area and negotiating traffic.

I stop at a gas station just over the border. I look at the price. I know it's cheaper in Georgia, so I move on. But state #44 is off the board.

Mike Gets Lost #1: I wanted to surprise Joe and James, the latter who was graciously allowing me to sleep there (since Atlanta is so under-hoteled). I looked up his address on my cell phone, got directions, and promptly got lost. Mapquest lied to me. It told me to turn left. I needed to turn right. I call James for directions. I still get lost. Eventually find the place.

Once there, James, Joe and I go out to one of those diners where there's about 700 menu items. I know sometime I need to try Thai food, but this probably wasn't it.

Monday, 19 April 2004

States: Georgia, Alabama
Miles: 452

After sleeping way too much, I had four missons for the day:

Go to the retro-sports store Distant Replays
Eat at Varsity
Go to the Unclaimed Luggage Center in Scottsboro, AL
Go see the Montgomery Biscuits, the new AA farm team of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, formerly the Orlando Rays.

The near-failure of step one diminished the values of two through four.

Mike Gets Lost #2: I got instructions from James on how to get to Distant Replays. For some unknown reason, I decide to ignore them because I was sure the place was in downtown. After going in circles downtown, it occurred to me that the thing was in Buckhead, James was right, and I'm a moron. Eventually, it was found. My purchases included a San Diego Padres brown T-shirt and a Michigan Panthers shirt.

Even a dunderhead like me can find Varsity, since it's right off the freeway, plus I had been there twice before, so I knew where it was. I had also just missed John Kerry, who I'm sure blamed the cold chili on George Bush. I forgot that they put mustard on stuff unless you tell them not to, so I promptly blamed John Kerry.

While driving out of Atlanta, I noticed that the names for the freeways seem to change every few miles. You may start out on the Ralph Abernathy and then the Maynard Jackson, but by the end I think they also honored Glenn Hubbard, Suzanne Sugarbaker and India.Arie with freeway stretches. And bravo to all these major cities that still refer to freeway stretches by names even though those names were supposed to be phased out on the 60's. You're not helping the wayward visitor.

Due to the fact that my time in Atlanta was much longer than I had intended, my stop at the Unclaimed Luggage Center would have to be much shorter than anticipated. That was compounded by the fact that both Anniston and Gadsen in Alabama routed their U.S. routes straight through downtown. These are supposed to be major highways, dammit, not some stroll through the big box homogenization of America. So, when I finally get there, I allot myself a whopping 20 minutes.

Now most of the stuff there is clothes, because, after all, most of the stuff in unclaimed luggage would probably be clothes. A close second was CDs (absolutely unorganized), and a reasonable third was books. There it got a little suspicious. In the book part, you would find not one, but usually dozens of pristine copies of certain books. Some of this stuff isn't lost after all, is it. If I had more time, I probably could have looked at some digital cameras (they had dozens), but I wouldn't have been able to get much of a line on features or compatibility with my computer.

The final trek down to Montgomery, Alabama was at a blistering speed (204 miles in 196 minutes, which included a stop for gas and a ten minute dead stop in construction) but was at the end worth it as I got to see at least four-and-a-half innings of Biscuit baseball, with the home team losing to the Mobile BayBears 6-4. This was only their fourth home game ever, and the ballpark did a very interesting job of incorporating a facsimile of an old train station for the concession/sky box area. Thank God they went for that theme rather than what was originally on the site, a Conferderate Prison. They had sold out their biscuits by the time I got there, so I settled for some Dipping Dots, which should no longer be the ice cream of the future. It's been here now for 10 years.

Tuesday, 20 April 2004

States: Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee
Miles: 384

Ironic Religious Moment #1: The sign for the Pocahontas Free Will Church in Alabama. It was named that way because the church is on Pocahontas Road, but very few things could define "free will" less than the legend of Pocahontas.

West of Birmingham I joined what will be an Interstate in about 10 years, but it's presently just High Priority Corridor 10, which has portions completed. So through the remainder of Alabama, I was constantly entering and exiting from freeway segments on to streets and back as they complete the project. What will be displaced on what is currently US-78 will be the many "24 Hour Arcades". I found it rather odd that the people of Northwestern Alabama had a great affinity for playing Galaga at 4 in the morning, but I later found out these are actually places for video poker. Apparently, gambling for money is illegal in Alabama, but not gambling for merchandise, so it's essentially skee-ball for adults with substituting the outlawed South Carolina video poker machines for skee-ball machines.

Once I crossed over into Mississippi, it was time to continue a time-honored road-trip of Mexican food in an odd place. Fulton turned out to be odd enough, so in a strip mall with a Chinese place and a Wal-Mart was "Nacho Mama's", which turned out to be a fine place because you could get 7-Up as a fountain drink. But back to the Chinese place. It is occurred to me over my many miles of travels that every little dinky town in this country has a Chinese place. Why? What compelled someone to emigrate from deep in the bowels of China to Fulton, Mississippi? Or Grand Island, Nebraska? And where did they get the seed money?

Anyway, I had noticed in my travels that the AM radio was either right-wing, bible or NFL draft (not sports, just NFL draft) while FM had both types of music, Country and Western. Although one station did spice it up a little bit with a promo for Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity in an Irish brogue, it just wasn't enough. So, I stopped and got some blank CDs at the Wal-Mart, with the idea I would burn some off my computer for later travels. Plus, I got the Florida quarter in my change.

After that episode, it was up to Jackson, Tennessee to see the West Tennessee ~~Basement~~ Diamond Jaxx, a AA affilliate of the Chicago Cubs. Jackson is one of those towns that segregation has not forgotten. North of the Interstate, nice houses, lots of businesses and Union University (a non-smoking campus). South of the Interstate, bad houses, boarded up businesses and a community college. Pringles Park, home of the Jaxx, was located in neither, but was way East of town in the middle of nowhere. With no atmosphere, and a 6:30 start, and an "attendance" of 1,565 (I think that's in octal), Jaxx lost 7-6 to the Huntsville Stars, the Brewers affilliate which features both Tony Gwynn Jr. and Prince Fielder (son of Cecil). Tony has some issues, but Prince looks like a keeper. I can't wait for the day in 2010 when he's traded to a real team.

I stopped at a hotel halfway between Jackson and Memphis, and forgot to burn those CDs.

Wednesday, 21 April 2004

States: Tennessee, Arkansas, Texas, Arkansas, Texas, Arkansas, Texas
Miles: 389

It's raining. This isn't good. I go into Memphis, try to drive by Graceland (which you can't), so I decide since I would be in Little Rock way too early, I would go to the library and catch up on the ol' Internet. Most major cities have their big libraries downtown. Not Memphis, it's way out back in the Eatern part of town.

After a lunch at local eatery Corky's, I head off to Little Rock. Now it's really raining. Raining hard. Raining like I'm going 30 because I can't see any further. Weather warnings on the radio do me little good, since I do not have the county structure of Arkansas memorized. It didn't matter, anyway, the game was rained out. If I had known that ahead of time, I just would have gone straight to Branson for the second encore. Also in Branson is the Ruth and Paul Henning State Forest. You may ask who is Paul Henning? He was the genius behind Beverly Hillbillies and Petticoat Junction. One of the innovations of his was to film several episodes (i.e. 13) at once, so instead of changing venues all the time for each episode, they would have one week where they would shoot all of the interior house scenes, then the exterior, bank, and so on. The show was pretty much profitable from the get go.

So, I went down to Texarkana for the night. The entrance to the Super 8 was in Texas, but the actual hotel was in Arkansas, hence the multiple state listings above. I forgot to burn those CDs.

Thrusday, 22 April 2004

States: Arkansas, Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Texas
Miles: 536

It's still raining. At least Reliant Stadium has a roof. The first order of the day was to hop over to Oklahoma and dash out as fast as I could. In fact, I dashed out so fast, I saw a "Leaving Oklahoma" sign without ever seeing the "Welcome to Oklahoma" sign. So, I turned around, bought something at the Deliverance Gas Station (not real name), and went into Texas, where it promptly stopped raining. After more state route/U.S. route fun, I finally crossed the line at 12:02 CDT and was in Louisiana. I had done it. All of the lower 48 states. Too bad it had to be Shreveport, the poor man's Atlantic City.

Ironic Religious Moment #2: The evangelist on the radio somewhere near Shreveport, LA had a first name of Darwin.

After a fine meal of fried chicken, mashed potato and corn at a local chicken shack, including the 24 ounce "small" drink, it was off to Houston, primarily on U.S. 59. It's rather surprising that there isn't an Interstate Route between Shreveport and Houston, but that will be soon taken care of by the H. Ross Perot Giant Sucking Sound NAFTA Superhighway, or I-69. It will be strange in 10 years, when I-69 will stop in Evansville, IN and pick up again somewhere in Arkansas, since Tennesee and Kentucky do not consider it a priority, while Texas, Indiana and Louisiana want it done now, now, now.

Mike Gets Lost #3: I was sick of getting lost. This time, I would not be defeated. I sat down ahead of time and plotted my route to Reliant Stadium, even coming up with an alternate route. There was no way I was going to be late to Reliant Stadium. When I approached downtown, it dawned on me that the Astros actually play at Minute Maid Park. So, I decided to then just approach downtown and hopefully I would get there. Houston has this policy of not putting major landmarks on exit signs, so I had to drive around until I found it. I missed the top half of the first. A surprising amount of Cardinal fans were there, and they were not disappointed when they saw the Redbirds prevail 2-1 in 12, in a game where a controversial call (a runner out at 3rd advancing on a single) probably cost the Astros the game.

NON-BASEBALL GEEKS CAN SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH: I'm worried about Tony LaRussa. With the game tied at 1 in the top of the eighth, he sends up Porter to pinch hit for the pitcher Marquis, and double switches him with Ray Lankford going into the bottom of the 8th, the pitcher slot now batting second. After the Cardinals side batted in the tenth, the pitcher would have been the 2nd slot in the 11th, so LaRussa reversed the double switch, putting So Taguchi in left with the pitcher slot going back to ninth. But, in the top of the 11th with the leadoff hitter reaching, he pinch hits So Taguchi with Tony Womack. OK, maybe Womack is this incredible bunter, but I thought that Japanese players were super drilled in the fundamentals, so this made little sense. So (the preposition, not the pinch-hit-for leftfielder), they don't score in the top of the 11th. Womack's pretty versitaile, so you figure that he's going into LF for the bottom of the inning. Nope, starting second baseman Marlon Anderson goes into left, with Bo Hart coming in to play second. Why in the name of Casey Stengel did he waste all of these bench options?

Having Pricelined the remainder of my hotel stays ahead of time, I spent the night at La Quinta Inn (Spanish for "next to Denny's") for $35. I forgot to burn those CDs.

Friday, 23 April 2004

State: Texas
Miles: 272

Having a little time to kill, I stopped off in a mall nearby the hotel, partially because I saw they had a Barnes and Noble. If you have been in a B&N recently, you may have seen a Dot, a listening station where you can check out samples of CDs. We (meaning AMG) is a big part of this product, and I (meaning Mike) had a lot to do with the data and images behind it. So, I like to go and test these things out for data problems. However, despite the big sign, it wasn't ready yet. It wasn't opening until May, where it will be next to a Pottery Barn Kids. Pottery Barn Kids? Why?!? Why?!? If you have this much disposable income, save for your child's college fund, or sponsor Sally Struthers, or give to your favorite charity, but don't buy fancy things your kids really don't care about.

Another disturbing (or pleasing) event happened during your lunch. I stopped at a southern-style all you can eat place. Fried chicken. Biscuits. Potatoes. Mmmmmmmmmmm. I had one plate. I couldn't eat another. That's never happened to me before. I truly had all I could eat.

Much more disturbing was sports radio that day. Second round of NHL playoffs? Nope. First round of NBA playoffs? Nope. Baseball, including a Yankees-Red Sox series? Nope. The NFL draft. Hour after hour about the NFL draft. I realize I may be in the minority here, but why do people get so invested and worked up over a HR meeting? 80% of the players you saw flash in front of your screen on Saturday (and shame on you) will have little or no impact in the NFL? Great investment of your time.

My hotel, and I'm not making this up, was found with the highway sign that is recreated on the right. I also learned that La Quinta Inn is also Italian for "next to Tony Roma's". Nice hotel, except the free Internet didn't work for me. I'm on vacation, it wasn't my job to figure out why it was broken.

Mike Gets Lost #4: This was my fault. I had time to kill before the game so I went driving around and lost my bearings. I only missed one batter. The game, eventually won by the Rangers 10-8 over the Mariners, featured two rain delays in which I was well prepared for when I asked for "any seat under cover." Behind me were an obnoxious set of three parents and three kids. The kids were fine. The parents had three beers each. Enjoy the ride home, kids. Meanwhile, I forgot to burn those CDs.

Saturday/Sunday, 24/25 April 2004

State: Texas
Miles: 134

First stop of the day was the Sixth Floor Museum on the West End to relive the moments of 23 November 1963. Normally, when I'm at a historical marker and in groups, I start to give a false tour of the area, hoping to lure gullible or ignorant tourists. However, around the assassination point, you're trumped. The place is teeming with conspiracy theorists who are hocking newspapers, books and whatever. People, it was 41 years ago. And, even if it was a conspiracy, most everyone involved is either dead or senile. You're not going to all of a sudden find a document titled "Here's How We're Going to Kill Kennedy and Get Away with It". Or, if you do, it was just a PDB backgrounder and not an actionable document.

When inside, you are sent straight to the sixth floor. There is no access to the second through fifth floors. When you get up there, you get a brief retrospective of his life followed by many assassination trinkets, such as eyewitness cameras, newspapers of the day, the AP ticker, etc. One of the more unintentionally hilarious elements is a display of newspapers from other parts of the world. The Turkish paper apparently couldn't pick up a wire photo, so they had an artist rendering that made it look like Kennedy was whacked Tony Soprano style.

Next up was a Sisyphian-task of trying to find a place that would show the Wings playoff game. I was a little surprised when the majority of the country got the San Jose-Colorado game, including the Metroplex, so I would have to find a place with NHL Center Ice. I first tried the place that seemed to come up when I used "Dallas Sports Bar" in Google, Nedley's in Richardson. It was a bad sign when I had to explain who the Red Wings were to the hostess. Of course, people were watching the NFL draft. I then decided not to try Cowboys in Irving, and instead tried another place that I happened to walk in when the Cowboys were supposed to make their pick. They traded the pick, no doubt a conspiracy orchestrated by Jerry Jones and the bar owners in the Metroplex to keep patrons there longer. On my way to a Buffalo Wild Wings, I happened to drive by a Dave and Busters, so I thought I would give them a shot. Success! My own table, the Wings on one TV, the Sharks on the second and the Pistons on the third. Wow, showing actual sports rather than a HR meeting. What a concept!

After that, it was a trip down to the Cotton Bowl to see the Dallas Burn play the Kansas City Wizards in "Major League" soccer action. For their first season, Kansas City was actually "The Wiz", so this game would have been the Wiz and Burn. Oh well. On my way down, I needed a little money, so I tried to find a bank. Apparently, banks are not allowed in Dallas. I ended up going into a Home Depot and buying something so I could use their automated checkout and get cash back.

Once finally at the Cotton Bowl, and paying $8 for parking, I get to the stadium in time for the opening kickoff. There are not enough letters in dump to describe how much of a dump the Cotton Bowl is. They don't allow anyone to sit in the upper deck or above row 40 in the lower deck. The end zone seats are also verboten. They did have a drumming section, and if I had known, I would have brought my own cowbell, although their repertoire seemed very limited. The home team won 1-0 despite a disallowed goal. Also, neither of the two languages used on the public address system were English. One was Spanish, the other Australian.

An unfortunate coda to the trip that has me hopping mad. I was charged for an unfilled gas tank, which is a bunch of bull flop. I filled up 19 miles before the airport, and was told the tank was "only 7/8ths full", and therefore I would be charged for 1.8 gallons at $4.59 a gallon, or $9.88. Bull flop, at worst, the tank was 15/16ths full, and the tank was only 12 gallons. So, if it was 1/8th empty, it would have only been 1.5 gallons. If you care, this is Alamo Rental Cars. They also own National. Remember, it's Alamo. A-L-A-M-O. And somehow, I pissed off the TSA, since they did the full wand search on me.

So, what's up next? I've now been in all 48, driven in 46 of them (sorry Delaware and Florida) and have seen sporting events in 31 of them. Should I try to get the other two, or start nabbing countries (I only have three)? Come back next year to find out. Voting is not enabled.