Are You Retarded?

Mike's 2003 Cross-Country Trip

2 April 2003 -- I'm not going to Orlando

First, I leave work a little early to get some last minute packing done, so during the day I prepare a list of things that come to mind that would be good to have on a post-it note. As I walk towards the bus, I realize I forgot the post-it note. I run back, get the note, and off to home, where it's 45 minutes of frenzied packing. Of course, about 10 minutes in, I misplace the note, and pretty much have to do everything from memory. I do pretty good, I only miss two things -- my phone recharger (on the list) and the shaver recharger (not on the list).

So at the prescribed one-hour-before-my-flight I arrive at the lovely Ed McNamara Just Take Your Kickbacks and Relax Terminal at the Detroit Metropolitian Airport, which, like everything else in Detroit, is not in Detroit. They had one lady handling the baggage at the terminal and it was obvious she was in over her head. I put my credit card in, do the whole other shenanigans, and notice as she starts to take the bag away that it is tagged for Orlando. I do my best Jackie Kennedy impression and lunge for the bag and have her correctly tag it. Just as the bag goes for screening, I ask the TSA guy is it marked for Los Angeles. As he looks at the bag and sends it on its way, he says "Yep, it's on its way to Milwaukee." So, if I joke about airline security, I'm going to have people on me faster than ants on a crumb, but they can joke about it no problem.

After an uneventful flight, I arrive in Los Angeles, get the car and drive two blocks to the lovely Los Angeles Airport Holiday Inn, where my pretax stay is only $47 a day. Of course, add $7 in tax and $8 in parking plus $1 per local call, and it will add up quickly.

3 April 2003 -- But it's our first game...

The day starts out at this real exotic breakfast place called McDonald's. I hadn't heard of it either, but apparently there's 2,000 locations in this state alone. And in this one, the menu was bilingual. The staff, nonlingual.

Then, it's off to The Museum of Television and Radio in lovely Beverly Hills. Now, the museum shouldn't be in Beverly Hills. They're only open 25 hours a week, meaning 143 hours a week this big chunk of prime real estate is doing nothing. This museum could be in a warehouse in Torrance, and still be just as good, and could be open much longer. I select my four episodes to watch -- a Match Game episode from 1969 (including Tony Randall in a lovely ascot), a Wheel of Fortune episode from 1976, which included a puzzle I was able to guess without any letters (person: _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _) but no ceramic dalmations, Celebrity Sweepstakes and The Money Maze.

At 3:30 I then ventured out to San Bernadino to see the opening game of the Inland Empire 66ers as they took on the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes in a one game series. Of course, being Southern California, a 50 mile trip took 2 hours aided by confusing road signs for the park in San Bernadino. Once there, I got a nice ticket. Row 1. Behind home plate. Not bad for $7. And since they were "club seats", they had waitress service, which means I got some lovely tacos made the correct way with the fried soft shell.

At first I was confused that the team had three mascots -- Bernie, The World Famous Monkey Boy and Split. It turns out that Monkey Boy is a travelling mascot, sort of a low-rent Myron Noodleman. As hard as that is to believe, at least Myron occasionally plays Triple-A, Monkey Boy is mostly single A. Split was a big banana, a foil for Monkey Boy. Bernie was nearly clocked in the head with a foul ball not unlike Bull Durham.

As far as the game went, the 66ers won 6-3. Two players to look out for are Shin-Soo Choo, an pitcher-turned-outfielder for the 66ers who was a triple short of a cycle and Jeff Mathis of the Quakes. The 66ers are an affiliate of the Mariners while the Quakes are an affiliate of the Angels.

4/5 April 2003 -- There's a reason why nobody's fat...

Another trip to The Museum of Television and Radio in lovely Beverly Hills. Saw some more game shows, including a test episode of Jeopardy! from 1964 where they're still getting the kinks out of the format. On this episode it somewhat different since the whole "you get the answer you give us the question thing" was much shorter answer on the screen and a much larger question expected. Also, the daily double was only given after you got an initial question correct, making it a "double". Another show I sampled was The Magnificent Marble Machine, which didn't air in Detroit when I was a kid. I was very disappointed. The ball moved too slow for anything real exciting.

After being where I really wanted to be, it was time for where I really didn't want to be, the NAQT tournament at UCLA. Apparently, there is a policy to not put signs nearby on what the building names are. Plus, instead of having little parking lots everywhere like at Michigan, all visitors have to park in a central lot in the athletic campus. So, not knowing my way around, finding the meeting place turned out to be an ordeal.

The Friday night portion of the tournament, once play started, went pretty well. I protest I had to adjudicate, an OT game and a really slow room put us a little behind, but we got the games done by 10:30. Of course, I felt sorry for the teams from the East for who it seemed like they were playing a game at 1:30 in the morning. Post-game meal consisted of a meal at probably the world's safest International House of Pancakes, since there were four cop cars outside.

It was back to the tournament after a brief stop for two dozen at Randy's Donuts. It's hard to imagine a place like L.A. would allow for such a gaudy display, but it's there. It also looks like it was the inspiration for Lard Lad Donuts on The Simpsons. Gameplay went pretty smoothly, save for an ungangly 5-way tie for one playoff spot. I was officiating in the Division II group, which is made up of either first-year players or community colleges. This is always the way to go, since the bitterness and cynicism of being a college-level quiz player has not set in yet and the game is still pretty much for fun.

Lunch involved watching Family Feud with the sound off. Since we didn't know the questions, but we could see the answers, we made up questions after seeing the first answer:
TEN: 0 (our question: name an odd number, other answer: Five)
MIAMI: 31 (name a city with an NHL franchise, other answer: Tampa)
BUBBLE GUM: 0 (name a meat, other answer: caramel)
STAR: 29 (name something you can name for yourself for $39.95)
HOSE: ? (name something you drink out of, other answer: ladder)

After the tournament and much rancor, we retired to have the NAQT annual meeting, which I won't say much about.

One thing about the UCLA campus, the place is big, enormous, probably the biggest campus I've ever seen. And hilly. Because of this, every student is very much in shape, considering the average walk from your dorm to the main library invloves leaving an emergency number with your roommate, a sherpa and a power bar. You rarely saw a student that was even an inkling overweight.		  
The red line indicates my path from the parking spot to the meeting place. Since the building was not marked, I went all the way around the hill that is not indicated on this map. The blue line indicates the so-called "5 to 10 minute" walk from the meeting location to the playing location. The green line indicates the path I took for my Monday-Wednesday trips to UCLA, which may seem short but doesn't include a steep incline. Billy from Family Circus™ added for comedic effect.

6 April 2003 -- Don't you have to be famous first?

Sunday Morning meant a trip to see The Hollywood Squares in person at CBS in The Bob Barker Studio. Except, when something that is not The Price is Right is taping, it's called Studio 33, and most of it is blocked out anyway since the Squares does not need that much space. The ticket said to be there promptly at 10. Which I was. The line didn't move until 10:15, and we didn't fully get through security until 10:45, because Hollywood Squares must be a terrorist target. Finally, at 11, we're let into the studio. I get row five in the aisle. When the show airs, you'll get to see my hands clapping. I don't think I made it on screen. Anyway, it was championship week, where big money contestants come back for more money, and you would expect to see a higher caliber of celebrity. I got what you see on the right.

At least the warm up guy was good. Bob Perlow is one of the best in the business, and also has the plum job of warming up The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. He passed out hats, shirts and CDs (I unfortunately couldn't snag one) and would pass the time by making people dance on stage for the free gifts.

I saw three shows, the first one only had one hiccup, the second one went flawlessly, the third one had it's problems. Half the audience had left by this point. The poor guy who lost the third show had to redo his final question three times due to some technical foul-up, and the bonus game had sound effects problems. The shows will air on 28-29-30 of April, listen for Kermit's first zinger on the Monday show, it's a doosy.

I was then supposed to go down to San Diego to see a baseball game down there, but the lateness of the taping and my general tiredness precluded that idea. I had to start looking for a power cord for my razor since the battery had worn out. Tried a Target and a K-mart, no luck. The K-mart was in its final week, and it looked like probably what a K-Mart in Baghdad would look like right now. I also had the token Mexican meal at a place in Long Beach. Not bad. Didn't realize it was a chain until after I started to eat there. 		 

JOHN RITTER
CRIS JUDD
KERMIT THE FROG
*
REBA MCENTIRE
JEFFREY TAMBOR

MARTIN MULL
VIVICA A. FOX
LANCE BASS
*Random Reba co-star (Monday: Melissa Peterman, Tuesday: Christopher Rich, Wedensday: Scarlett Pomers and Mitch Holleman

7/8 April 2003 -- What did Daryle Ward ever do to you?

Spent most of Monday and Tuesday at the UCLA Television Archive. I got to see many things that are rarely seen and don't circulate, including

Also went to the Dodger game. Here's why people get to the game late and leave early. It's impossible to get there, it's impossible to get out of there. The stadium is surrounded by a roundabout, and the parking is on the other side of the roundabout. If you're not in the right-most lane entering the stadium, you're screwed, because nobody will let you into the right lane. You pretty much have to go around the circle a la Clark Griswold until you can horn your way in.

I had seats in the upper deck behind home plate. I finally had a Dodger Dog. Overrated, but I did like the fact the concession stands paused during the National Anthem. The garlic fries had enough garlic on them that I will not need any of Larry King's Garlique™ for years.

For some reason, the person behind me really hated Daryle Ward. At that point, he had a grand total of 2 plate appearances as a Dodger, walking once and striking out once. How could have this caused anyone such pain. He was traded to the Dodgers for a minor league pitcher. If anyone should be feeling pain, it should be me, since he was once a Tiger farmhand that was traded away in Ausmus II. Although he did go 0-4, he did make a very good defensive play when the game was still close. The score ended up being 6-3 for the Dodgers over Arizona.

9/10 April 2003 -- If I only knew then what I know now...

When I had originally made my hotel reservations, I made them one day too short. And since I was sick of having to shlep from the airport area to the Westwood/Hollywood area, I decided to get a hotel room more towards that way. So I picked a Super 8 off the Internet that was supposedly close. It wasn't close and it wasn't super. It was in a questionable area just east of Little Armenia. For some reason, it wasn't called Little Azerbaijan.

More time at UCLA/TV Museum. Few more gems...

After my Thursday escapade, I had to head over somewhere to see the Michigan-Minnesota semifinal hockey game. Well, I thought, no better place than the ESPNZone in Anaheim. According to Mapquest, it would take 45 minutes. According to empirical evidence, add an hour. So, I didn't get there until the second period. But when I arrived, I had forgotten all about the Wings-Ducks game. And there was an employee party for the Ducks at the restaurant. However, they let me in and for some reason sat me in the party. I taunted Wild Wing and was roundly booed when I cheered when the Wings scored. How little did I know that would be the last goal for a long, long time. I was so worried that I would have to somehow kill time between the end of the Michigan/Red Wings games and my time to go to the airport. Nope, in fact, I had to leave before the Wings/Ducks game finished. Thank God, too, because I would have been taunted beyond belief. I had mentioned to one Ducks fan that I didn't think the Wings were going to win the Cup this year. I guess I was right.

11 April 2003 -- You can't get theah from heah

During the flight home, I was awoken only once by an announcement "If there is a physician onboard, please check with the flight crew." So it had me wondering, could their be other announcements that could cause greater worry or confusion...

My flight from L.A. to Manchester, NH landed for it's layover. In Detroit. Originally, this was supposed to be a 2 hour later. And then, for some reason, it became 4. And when the war broke out, people apparently felt going to Manchester was dangerous, so Northwest merged their two flights into one, so it became a 7.5 hour layover. So I drove home, took a nap, and went back to the airport.

Once arriving at the hotel, I hooked up with other folks at went to Jillian's, the evening's hangout. Sort of a low-rent Dave and Buster's, which is fine by me. Also went candelpin bowling, which I scored a lovely 60. I could never figure out the oil on the lane, if it went down one part, it would veer into a 45% angle, but be on either side of that part, and it wouldn't move at all. The other weird part is the bowling alley was inside the Green Monster of Fenway.

However, another getting lost adventure ensued when I tried to pick up Anne, Craig and Matt from the airport. The red star is the starting point, the blue star is the desired ending point, namely, Boston's Logan Airport. The purple line indicates the detour I took before getting on the correct route, indicated by the lime line. The host of the 1992 Saturday Night Live skit What's the Best Way? added for comedic effect.

12/13 April 2003 -- The Tournament

Johnny Carson: Piltdown Man, The Hitler Diaries, 2003 Keenans
Ed McMahon: Piltdown Man, The Hitler Diaries, 2003 Keenans
Johnny Carson: Name three frauds!
Crowd: Laughs
Ed Shaughnessy: Rim-shot
Ed McMahon: Hey-o!

Saturday was the round-robin day for the trash tournament (the whole reason for going to Boston) with the 34 teams divided into three pools of 12 or 11. We went 8-2 in pool play, losing the games before and after lunch. I also did one of the stupidest things in my life, forcing a death march back to the hotel to pick up the TV to watch the Wings game, when I had brought it the whole time. I turned off the TV midway through the 3rd with the Wings having a 2-1 lead in order to play a game. When that game was over, I turned it back on to see bonus coverage of the other game, breathing a sigh of relief that the Wings game is over. It was, but not the way I thought. We managed to get through to the top playoff bracket with a 2nd place finish, and since are two losses were against middle-tier teams, we would go into the playoffs 1-0.

Sunday was playoff day and we would be facing four tough teams. We won our first game pretty handily, won our second game incredibly when the other team bageled their last two bonuses (ouch), won the third game incredibly handily. By this point, we were 4-0 in the playoff bracket and we would be facing the other 4-0 team, meaning that this game became the de facto first game of a best-of-three series. We lost. So we we're off to the finals. This time with everybody watching, and we're down a game. To the team we lost to last year. It's not looking good.

A little history here. Last year we potentially lost the finals on an audio tossup that I knew cold, I just couldn't ring in fast enough. I had decided before the game that I was not going to let this happen again. The audio tossup is announced, and the vague clue is "identify the celebrity not normally associated with singing on the following clip." So I thought to myself, OK, it's probably off a Golden Throats collection. So I mentally thought of all the people it could be in my head. I heard about three notes and I had it narrowed down to two people -- Andy Griffith or Eddie Albert. I buzzed in, and by the time the CD was stopped one syllable was sung. That was enough for me, it was Matlock. And I was right, and it helped tremendously in getting the game. We got Game 3 as well, took a big lead and held on for dear life (Jim Tressel actually was good to Michigan), and the Keenan's took their third title. That was probably the best tournament I've ever been involved with. Fun play, great questions, great people and we won! It would have been great even if we had lost. Kudos to the TRASH cabal.

So what's with the title? Well, in one of the last parts of the trip, I was driving past an assembling funeral procession in the Jewish part of Boston on my way to the Manchester airport. All of a sudden, an middle-aged woman comes out of one of the cars and yells at the car behind them "What are you, retarded?" in the best combination Boston-Yiddish accent I have ever heard. Of all the weird and wild things that happened in the 11 days, I will remember that the most.

Last updated: 21 March 2003 | E-mail the author